Who is the luck one?

Keith: "I was a late bloomer. You're lucky I was a late bloomer."
Kim: "Why?"
Keith: "If I knew the things I do now in high school, I would've been all over."
Kim: "If you weren't a late bloomer, you would've dated me in high school when I had a crush on you."
Keith: "You're a late bloomer. You're my onion bloomer. You're big like an onion bloomer. You're smelly like an onion."

Weird Phrases

At Sports Authority...

Kim: (sitting in a chair under a pop up tent & other camping items) "Look hunny, I'm camping."
Keith: "Just because you haven't showered in the last 5 days doesn't mean you're camping."


In the bedroom near bedtime...

Kim notices Keith has his wedding ring on the nighttand.
Kim: "And you are YOU going to meet tonight?"

A few mornings later...
Keith: "I didn't have any good dreams last night; I wore my ring."

Keith's Scientific Experiment Proposal

This is a conversation topic we were having with another couple over the past weekend.

Keith: "They should just cut Micheal Jackson's head off and observe it. I mean it shouldn't change, right? It's all plastic. You could put it on the coffee table and let it sit there for years."

Could you imagine. I have a vague picture of Medusa in my head sitting on the table.

Keith's Car

... is almost dead. It was rejected at the state inspection 2 weeks ago. He had 45 days to fix a big crack in the winshield and the driver's side door to go down. It is either that or buy a new car. It looks like he is getting a F150. First time truck! It is green, which is the primary color of his union. So fitter stickers will coordinate nicely. I have had my own little nickname for the steam fitters, inspired by Grey's Anatomy: McSteamy. When he gets this truck, and adds the stickers, I'm calling it the McSteamy Mobile!

Where did that chair come from?

Yesterday Keith's parents hosted Easter dinner for both sides of the family. When you host, extra chairs come out so that extra seating is availible. Keith and I were sitting on a bench when Keith asked, "Where did that chair come from?" I answered saying from his old bedroom. Five minutes later, I asked, "Where did that white wicker chair come from?" You see, when Keith asked, he was referring to the wicker chair, however, I thought he was referring to the chair in front of us, which I do not recall ever seeing before. Therefore, Keith began to answer my question with, "What?! I just asked you that STUPID." He and I are laughing at the fact that were talking about too totally different chairs (and if you know us, you know Keith does not actually think I am stupid or is verbally abusing me, yadda yadda) but it gets better because Keith's Aunt Joyce was standing right in front of us when Keith called me STUPID. Aunt Joyce is a force not to beckon with. When I first met her 3 years ago, she shook my hand and would not let go for 5 minutes! She can be a very scary lady if she wants, so I have heard from family stories. Aunt Joyce stopped in mid-walk, rotated her body to glare at Keith. The whole family is watching and several "Oooos" are circulating the room. I looked up at Keith and saw his eyes wide and frightful as he looked back at Aunt Joyce. After Aunt Joyce encouraged me to hit him a few times she walked away. Keith then confessed that he wasn't sure what she was going to do. He was afraid.

Kinky Kinkade

We went to Barnes and Nobles tonight. At the check out, Keith was looking at all the impulse shopping items. He picked up a little book and said "Oh Thomas Kinkade". The lady behind the counter started to giggle. I remembered I had just saw something Thomas Kinkade and told Keith I had thought about him... but I couldn't remember where or when. The lady behind the counter is still giggling. Just then I remembered when and where. "It was in a card for your mom." The lady starts thinking "For his mom?!" and she's totally weired out by it. To Keith I say, "The card had a Thomas Kinkade on it." The lady then starts laughing... "I thought he said something kinky. Then you said you saw something like that for his mom, something kinky. Thomas Kinkade makes more sense."

Honeymoon

This week we went to the travel agent to set up our honeymoon. For all the things we want, there is no island that offers all of it. So we basically had to forgive some element. I'm happy to say that we came to a decision to go to Couples Resorts: Tower Isle in Jamaica. Interesting fact about this resort, they have their own private island that you can get to by taking a 2 minute boat ride so that you can tan naked. So this is how our conversation went.

Keith: "Would you do that, go topless?"
Kim: "I don't know."
Keith: "There will be a lot of Europeans there and they are always naked."
Kim: "Well hunny... you can't get too excited."
Keith: "Ill stick it in the sand."

CPR

...at the flea market, looking at books and magazines...

Keith: holding a book "Here's First Aid."
Kim: "I'm trained in that."
Keith: "Really? Cuz you give horrible mouth to mouth."
Kim repeatedly hits Keith in the arm.

Who is to blame?

Keith: "Don't blame the monkey, blame the zoo."
Kim: "Don't blame the zoo, blame the zookeeper."

Stinks

Keith: "Smell my feet."
Kim: "No."
Keith: "Smell my feet. If you love me you would smell my feet."
Kim: "No. I could smell your feet yesterday while sitting on the couch."
Keith: "I have to smell your poop. Smell my feet."
Kim: "I have to smell your poop."
Keith: "Your poop stiiinks."
Kim: "I have to smell your feet, your poop, your farts, your burps and your armpits. Yo, your armpits stink."
Keith: "Your poop smells so bad the paint in the bathroom is peeling off."
The paint is so not peeling off.

Weird Phrases at work

After reading my cousin Lisa's blog, I have been inspired to tell you of my classroom posters.

Lisa wrote about being a mean mommy bc she makes her kids do things they dont want to. Wear long sleeves, finish your food, wear socks, yadda yadda yadda. I commented that it is great, and in the long run, it will continue to help her out, and their teachers.

For instance I would not need to post: Keep your limbs to yourself. Yes, in high school they still hit and kick each other.

Another famous poster: Keep the beat in your head, not in your hands. It drives me nuts when they continuously bang beats on the desks.

This one is great: The easiest question asked: Name:___________ Don't leave it blank. I was really tired of getting no name papers. I have 120 kids!!! I'm not wasting my time trying to analyze hand writing samples.

I think this is my favorite: Keep it G Rated: Intended for all Audiences. I cringe when I hear LaShrikra kissed LaShina or Qudedadu was too drunk/high to get it up with that jawn. Not too mention fowl language. (Names were totally made up)

I am also gifted in making Geometry posters.

"Don't disrespect the figure, call it by name!" Too often, my kids call a line just by its letters. But that does not work bc a two letter figure could be a line, a ray, a line segment.

This is my latest and I think it is the best:
First comes love
(rhombus hearts rectangle)
Then comes marriage
(rhombus ring rectangle, both say "I Do")
Then comes baby in the baby carriage
(Square)

It helps them remember that a square is a rhombus and a rectangle. But a rhombus is not a square, nor is a rectangle a square. I'll take pictures tomorrow.

So Lisa, keep it up!

Hot Water

Setting: Keith comes home from work, Kim is just out of the shower.

Keith: "Is there any hot water left?"
Kim: "Ummm, no."
Keith: "C'mon babe."
Kim: "At least my legs are shaved."

Nicknames

So if you don't know, Keith calls me "Monkey". It's the nickname he choose years ago. I think it was derived by the fact I'm way smaller than him and I can hang on him like a monkey. And it has stuck just so he can teach our kids to call me Monkey instead of Mommy. He wants them to cry at school saying "I want my Monkey!".

So today I had a two hour delay and Keith's boss told him to stay home. So he drove me to work. Here is our conversation on the way there.

Keith: "I think I'm going to find my gloves today."
Kim: "THEY'RE IN THE CLOSET. I TOLD YOU BEFORE THEY ARE THERE. They are with your snow pants and Duck Boots."
Keith: "You're a Duck."
Kim: "YOU'RE a Duck."
Keith: "You're a Duck and a Monkey. You're a dunkey."

But it sounded more like donkey. I hope this does not stick.

Mean things we say to each other

OK, so before you read beyond the title, remember Keith and I really do love each other. And that these things we say are jokes. By no means do we really think of each other from what follows.

Keith and I play a dumb game that I totally do not recommend to anyone, for at times your feelings may get hurt. Hence the warning above. With that said, we find them very comical. The game goes like this. In conversation, one person says " (Insert noun) is (insert adjective)." And the other responds "You're (insert same adjective)."

Here is what would be a nice example:
Kim: "That flower is beautiful."
Keith: "You're beautiful."

This is usually not the case.

REAL Example:
Kim: "The blanket is heavy."
Keith: "You're heavy."

Keith: "That would be a burden."
Kim: "You're my burden."

From time to time, I'll try to remember these phrases to share. I really think they are funny.

I don't owe you nothing

Has your mother ever said this: "Hey, I went thru seventeen hours, thirthy two minutes and fifty one seconds of child birth to bring you into this world." Here is our verison of that phrase.

Keith: "Hey, I put a ring on your finger. I can do whatever I like."

Usually this means he can tickle me or just do wacky things like scratch the roof of my mouth. Weirdo.